Log in

the highways are free and clear [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | my space ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

i just have to get this stress off my chest like breast reduction [24 Sep 2006|05:25pm]
everything feels so fucked up right now.

it's weird when someone in your family is withering away slowly but surely and you can't do anything to stop it. you wanna cry 'cause it's sad and you don't like it, but at the same time you can't wait because the only time he ever even speaks to you is to give you shit. never to say i love you or have a nice day or i'm proud of you. it's weird when someone you used to know so well doesn't even know himself anymore. it's weird how he can stand to lay on the couch all day and just watch tv. it's weird to see someone who used to be so happy and full of life never smile anymore. i can't even remember the last time i've heard/seen my dad laugh. i can't even remember the last time we carried on an entertaining conversation. now when i try to talk to him either he doesn't hear or is just pretending not to hear me. this hurts a whole lot.

and it sucks when you have no one to vent to about any of it. even if you did you wouldn't want to 'cause you'd just start crying and make an ass of yourself. it sucks that the only person you could have even imagined talking to about it is gone and can't do anything for you. not to mention since that person is gone you can tell your relationship is falling apart little by little. i feel like although i talk to him on the phone every day, i don't know anything that goes on in his life. some day i won't even know him anymore.

it's sad that the only thing you can do to try and make yourself feel better is provide false happiness: drinking or smoking or whatever your game is. it's sad that you think it's working at the time but the next day or even later that night you realize that the happiness is indeed false and things aren't getting better, they're only getting worse. it's sad when you make all these cries for help and no one hears. and if they do, they're not gonna do a damn thing about any of it. i just need to scream and rip my hair out and go crazy. i just need to skip town, go to california where no one knows me and i can start anew.
1 comment|post comment

it was in the march of the winter i turned seventeen [12 Sep 2005|06:49pm]
ugh. things used to be so good and now they're shit.

i used to get along with my parents. back when they didn't have rules. back when things were better. or maybe i only think they were better because that's my perspective as a kid. but no, i definitely don't remember feeling this shitty all the time. i hate how guilty they make me feel. it makes me want to kill my dad when he tells me not to do the things he does. and then he proceeds to do them in front of me during the conversation.

i hate school for ruining the best times of my life.

and i know what you're thinking. i'm not even complaining about this grounding. i like it, it gives me time alone. i just hate feeling so... restricted. it's just impossible for me. i can't just be trapped like this. all my energy just flows toward negative things. like long ranty livejournal posts. (i'm only posting on livejournal because myspace is broken, so don't get too excited).

gah. all i want to do is go total anarchy. sneak out EVERY night, get into trouble. run away and never come back. but then i think back on how i used to have a good relationship with my parents and it just makes me really sad that i went from everything being virtually perfect to a worse relationship than normal kids have with their parents.

why did any of the stuff that happened have to happen? why can't things just be how they were? back when i still knew you. back when you still knew me. what ever triggered this downward spiral i'm caught in?
1 comment|post comment

kill me? [04 Jul 2005|02:07pm]
Matt Frank is killing me.

He tells me things like, "I still care about you," "I didn't break up with you so I could mess around with other girls."

Well then what the hell is, "I'm Matt. Wanna do it?"

God fucking MySpace will be the death of me.

It kills me that I still even care. I shouldn't give a damn.

It kills me that all I wanna do is see him and be with him again and that's fucking stupid.

I feel so weak sometimes and I just want to lay down and die. But really what I need to do is find a new boyfriend who will be good. Matt was good, but now I guess he isn't. *sigh* The search begins...

PS I hate the fourth of July.
post comment

That's right, I'm posting in my LiveJournal... [24 Jun 2005|01:22am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

A lot has happened lately. Where should I begin?

I got in a car accident recently. It wasn't too bad, but a lot needs to be fixed. It was the other guy's fault, but now their insurance company says we were both at fault so they want to compromise. I think that's dumb, though.

Matt and I broke up this past Monday... things are really weird between us. I don't really want to get into that.

My dad recently had pneumonia really bad (he was hospitalized) and so he quit smoking for a really long time. I guess he started up again? I know, perfect timing. He also has Hepatitis C really bad, and he can't take the medicine because he's allergic to it. So I don't really know what's happening with that? Probably something bad, he says.

Things are definitely kind of shitty lately. But I still have good times during the day.

2 comments|post comment

[01 May 2005|08:31pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I hate gloomy cold Sundays.
I hate not hanging out with the girls at all on weekends.
I hate parties that consist of people puking and passing out while I'm just there.
I hate stupid kids that ruin good times.

But I loved said good times.
And I love old ladies who know good bands.
And I love pine branches.
I love hammocks.
And stars.
And sweet boyfriends.
Guitar sing-alongs.
And open-faced sandwiches.
And huffing unintentionally.


4 comments|post comment

666 Reasons Why I Can't Wait for Summer: [30 Mar 2005|01:49am]
[ mood | anxious ]

1. sun
2. warmth
3. storms
4. swimming
5. mexico
6. florida
7. camping
8. stars
9. concerts
10. food
11. fluffy grass
12. frisbee
13. bombs
14. fireworks
15. love
16. lethargy
17. no school
18. no fucks from school
19. no work
20. sleep
21. lack of sleep
22. movies
23. music
24. dancing
25. dando
26. pokemon
27. friends
28. good times
29. laughter
29. driving
30. open windows
31. air conditioning
32. adventures
33. rollercoasters
34. water balloon fights
35. my basement
36. video games
37. slumber parties
38. relatives
39. new thrift stores
40. garbage picking
41. lightning bugs
42. snow cones
43. nachoes
44. pizza
45. chicken nuggets?
46. fruit
47. ice cream
48. anything i fucking want.

Maybe not six-hundred and sixty-six...
But, you know.

1 comment|post comment

Sometimes... [28 Mar 2005|01:51am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

I fucking hate kids who listen to bad music and think they're so cool, like they know a lot about music or something.

I fucking hate fake girls who try to act cool or smart or funny or artsy or whatever and get away with it.

I fucking hate it when people post useless myspace bulletins in excess.

I fucking hate when people with shitty music tastes relate said shitty music tastes to good music.

I fucking hate teeny boppers.

I fucking hate sluts/whores/hoes/skeezers, etc.

I fucking hate jocks.

I fucking hate people who rip you off (as in style, speech, attitude, etc.)

I fucking hate it when good music/movies get exploited all because of Hot Topic.

Sometimes. Only at times. Like now. Because I'm thinking... Thinking about how I can't wait until I get out of school, so I don't have to deal with people that bug me anymore.

Who I never knew I had so much hate in me? Not me... and I can't decide whether I like it or not.

7 comments|post comment

[21 Mar 2005|07:52pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

I guess he decided not to come.

I definitely regret saying, "Do whatever you want, I won't be upset either way."

Because it wasn't really true...

Things are weird.

post comment

I have no idea what's going on lately, I just wish you would come over and explain things [13 Mar 2005|01:35am]
[ mood | drained ]

Hmm. It's weird to have the majority of your LiveJournal/MySpace friends as friends in real life. I feel like giving an update on everything that's been going on with me, the lows, the highs, and the in betweens-- a real post.

I'm doing it even though most of you already know everything.

I guess I'll go as far back as... Well, I don't know the date, or even the month in which the break up happened, but it did. We have been pretty strong ever since. I like that. I like him. Love.

My dad was recently in the hospital with pneumonia (it developed from his influenza). So, that was interesting. It was kind of nice to have it just be my mom and I. We visited him a lot, although he was never in good spirits, and he still isn't. This bothers me (and my mom) a great deal so I've been trying to keep myself away from home more and more, but at the same time, I want to stay to keep my mom company. I think she's trying to get out, too. Today, she went out to eat with her friends. She never does that. I can't wait to spend time with her, really.

I've been spending a lot of time with my friends (with the exception of Catie lately, she got grounded which is bad). Every weekend, sometimes even on week days, too. Last weekend, Panda and Anthony were making a film (basically a commercial for the film fest coming up in April). The first scene is of Panda at the train tracks, with a burning phone book (which I lit on fire myself) and a guitar. He played, sang, and even stepped in the fire. Next, I got all dolled up to look like a homeless/pregnant woman. We filmed it at the mall-- I was sitting on the stairs, coughing and hacking and acting poor... Then I start walking down the stairs, and when I round the corner, Anthony comes running up to me in a leather jacket and sunglasses (at night, mind you) and punches my baby. Then, I lay on the ground, twisting and writhing (and trying to stifle my laughter). After that, we went inside the mall and tried to interivew stupid kids but they were assholes. Then we went to a church rummage sale where we bought an old TV. The next day, we drove out to a dirt road and smashed it on camera. It was hard and it hurt my hands, but when I finally busted the screen open with my golf club, it made a funny little hissing noise. Good times.

This weekend wasn't as action packed. My dad has gone crazy. He decided that no one could smoke in the house since he didn't want to get worse... So he made a little "smoking lounge" in the garage, where everyone (even my mom) has to go if they want to smoke. On Friday, I stopped home to get Panda's megaphone and I see that no one is around, and I hear people in the garage-- My dad. I would just like to know why he designates a place for people to smoke away from him, and then joins them in said designated place (which is far more compact than the house is, thus making it easier for smoke to get to him). Weird. Anyway. On Friday, we went to Kiss the Sky, the mall, Jewel, and the school. It was a slow night, but it was okay. Today, it took a while for everyone to get together. When we finally did, we got gas and then went to ASS (American Science and Surplus) where Anthony and I scored ourselves some syringe pens. Then we went to my house to get canned foods, then went to the show at the Baker Memorial Church which was neat. We left after CJ, Luke, and Steve played with Nicole and her friend Jessica from Chicago. We all went back to my place, where Jess B met us. She went off to Chile's and we went off to Steak n' Shake. Then we all just kind of hung around. Again, not very eventful but it got the job done.

I haven't washed my hair in ten days (since I dyed it). I'm washing it tomorrow (or should I say later today?).

I want paints. Because I want to paint.

2 comments|post comment

seal clubbing whores [12 Mar 2005|02:37pm]
[ mood | scared ]

So today, my grandparents sent me a big, poofy, white fur coat in the mail.

I love them.

1 comment|post comment

Yes, again. [04 Mar 2005|03:53pm]
[ mood | excited ]

I did it myself this time.

2 comments|post comment

[01 Mar 2005|09:28am]
So, sitting in the library with nothing to do since my English class sucks and we have no outline for this paper we're supposed to write (so I have no idea how to start it).

Kill me.

I "made" another pair of shoes last night.

Again, kiiilll meee.

My dad is in the hospital with pneumonia.

And the prognosis is... With treatment, most patients will improve within two weeks. Elderly or debilitated patients who fail to respond to treatment may die from respiratory failure.

Hmm... Don't quite know how to feel about that just yet... :[

All I know is Maffoo was sweet and decided to cancel practice so he could come with today to visit him.

I wonder how that will be.
5 comments|post comment

i hate everyone [23 Feb 2005|09:29pm]
suck it.
post comment

I Want List [21 Feb 2005|09:01pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I want to go to Mexico this summer-- real Mexico, not tourist Mexico.
I want to go to Florida and see my family and for everyone to meet Matt.
I want to take a camping trip with all my friends at some place beautiful.
I want to spend the majority of our time at Leroy Oakes.
I want to be able to go weeks without bathing and be cool with it.
I want to just drive, drive, drive, and find some place new.
I want a car of my own, a job of my own, money of my own.
I want a place of my own where I can be alone.
I want to paint a lot.
I want to go to a lot of shows outside.
I want this coming summer to be even better than the last.

And it will.

post comment

[21 Feb 2005|03:48pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

So things have been really good in the area of friends. The past few days are just a blur of good times, and I like that... But at the same time, I hate coming down from it.

Things have been weird with my family lately... I kinda feel like writing about it but I kinda feel like not writing about it. I'll tell you I hate it, though.

2 comments|post comment

11111111111111111999999999999999999999 [20 Feb 2005|12:21pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

From awkward photoshoots under bridges in the freezing cold (in a skirt and sandals) to huge singalongs to Tainted Love and Pixies songs... (and let's not forget my creepy pregnancy *rub rub rub*)
Last night ruled.

Anthony and I got together and then Caulkin (Kyle Gilford's band) came over and we went to the tracks so Anthony could shoot pictures of them. We did that, and then just as we were leaving, I said, "Let's go to Meijer to see Maffoo," and then he called and said he was coming over for his meal break. So he came over. After that, Anthony and I went to Colonial and saw Tyler, Elizabath and Zak all working at the same time. There was only one order of spaghetti, and I got it, but the noodles were really fat, so it wasn't as good as it usually is. Then Anthony and I went to Meijer just as Matt was going on his break... So we sat in his car and listened to Helmet and imitated stupid jocks at shows that do this: \m/. Then we went back in Meijer and we bought some Koala Yummies, and went to Anthony's house to wait for Panda to get done with dinner. Meanwhile, Catie, Nicole, and Alex were waiting at my house. Anthony's parents were talking about this neat shoes at the outlet mall, and I definitely want to go check them out (Anthony- I decided you can have the rasta ones and I can have the hemp ones, okay?) :] Then we finally picked Panda up and went to my house, and then had some good times. Sam Jensen called Alex and then he came over with Alex Other and some kid named Matt. Thomas Winterheights was at the Fallacy show, but he joined us shortly. We hung around, and then went to go pick up Jinny. We hung around some more, had some singalongs, played some Cruisin World and Super Smash Brothers... Jess came over during her break for work, which was a nice surprise. She also came over later after work, and as did Matt. Then everyone pretty much left-- It was Jinny, Anthony, and Panda and myself... I played more Cruisin World and beat the moon level with a first place standing.

It was a good night.

Tonight is the celebration of Panda's birthday, so get ready.

1 comment|post comment

[18 Feb 2005|12:29pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So last night was fun. Things upset me and I fucking hate it...
*clenches fists* But what can you do?

It was nothing like last weekend where there were 16 people... But it was okay, the weekend is young. Saturday will suck, but the weekend is still young.


I'm sick again. and I fucking hate that, too.

5 comments|post comment

today is poo [15 Feb 2005|04:20pm]
I stayed home first through third periods today, coming back to school mainly so I could see Matt and do something with him after school. But, of course, he wasn't there. It's cold and snowy, and there isn't anything on TV. My dad ruined my only decent painting by putting holes in it to hang it in an off-centered place. He hung up my clothes wrong, including the ones I don't wear. He took all my christmas lights down, but left the tacks up, and now I have to do things all over again. It's nice of him to do things for me, but it's not nice of him to do things without asking, because he just ended up ruining things and that makes me sad. I miss Matt, and I probably won't get to see him today. Fuck today.
post comment

blah [13 Feb 2005|09:46pm]
[ mood | loved ]



It was slow, as Sundays always are, but Matt came over and gave me

and a really sweet card that makes me cry every time i read it.

I always despised Valentine's Day, until I had a valentine of my own and realized how good it makes people feel, when someone does something super sweet for the person they're with. Although, people could do that regardless of Valentine's Day, it's still just nice, damnit.

Thanks Matt!

post comment

fuck [13 Feb 2005|01:22pm]
[ mood | pissy ]


7 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]